How to be a Human ‘Being’ in the Bedroom — not a Human ‘doing'

Unforbidden get together with the wonderful women behind Sex Club - Juliane Mueller (Jules) and Chloe Wisdom - who host playful events designed to break taboos around intimacy and sexuality, through conversation and experiential workshops. We talk about bedroom struggles, embracing vulnerability and how to be ‘in your body’ during sex. They tell us that one of the most common struggles that men and women face is performance anxiety. I’m sure a lot of us can relate to these worries!

“How do I look?” “Am I too loud?” “Did I come too soon?” “Why can’t I orgasm?” “I’ve lost my erection” 

Many of us are too ‘in our heads’, and this can underpin many of the problems (including performance pressure) that we experience in the bedroom.  In our society, we are conditioned to ‘doing’ instead of ‘being’. ‘Being’ is the ability to help us deal calmly with life and be much more present and at peace through our day. Jules and Chloe stress that it is important to redress this balance and embrace ‘being’. How do we do this?

Connect with yourself first

It is only then that you can connect with others. If you break down the word intimacy, you get ‘in-to-me-i-see’, which already gives you a clue as to what intimacy is first and foremost about. Look inside yourself. To be intimate with yourself is to be present and vulnerable with yourself. What does this mean? And how does this feel? Chloe answers “It is a real presence in sensation”. Jules adds “It is presence and acceptance with what’s happening to yourself and being authentic about that. For example, you may feel some fear or awkwardness, but not want to admit that you feel this. If you can be present with that feeling, acknowledge it, and articulate it, this creates vulnerability and intimacy.

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Communicate

Communication around sex can be really challenging as there can be a lot of shame, guilt and a lack of education around sex, whether through porn, schools, family etc. Rather than open up with our partners, we can often fall into a formulaic pattern in bed which stops us exploring and understanding each others wants and needs. So how do we communicate in a safe and authentic way? Chloe advises us that you should be sensitive with tone and intonation. Non-violent communication (NVC) is an excellent tool and teaches us to speak from the ‘I’, i.e. describe your own feelings and needs rather than telling others how to do things. It is helpful to speak observationally, rather than lacing your language with judgement. Be clear with your partner about your needs and how they might help you fulfil them and vice versa. Jules says it’s also helpful if you can own the awkwardness of your delivery and have a sense of humour about it. You can admit “I don’t know how to say this to you - please bear with my clumsiness ….” If you acknowledge that neither of you know what you are doing, it will make you more open to figuring things out together.  

Have a physical meditative practice

A physical meditative practice, such as embodied dancing, movement and yoga, allows us to drop into a ‘feeling’ space. We are conditioned to be ‘in our heads’ (think) and see our bodies as a machine. We think we are safe when we are being cognitive or analytical because we don’t have to feel what’s going on inside. So, a physical practice allows us to access those feelings. Any sensorial meditation will connect us to our vulnerability because we drop into the ‘feminine’: a receiving space, a soft space, a feeling space. This applies to men too, who will also benefit from nurturing and embracing their feminine aspects.

Be responsible for your pleasure - allow yourself to receive!

We often don’t allow ourselves to be selfish with our pleasure. Instead, we default to pleasing mode. We are conditioned to believe that giving/altruism is the more noble cause, but at no point has anyone been taught how to receive. Many couples have an in-built expectation that whatever one does for the other should be reciprocated. This is not a conducive mentality to have in the bedroom. If you give - give without expectation or goal. If you receive - allow yourself to receive guilt-free. This allows you to fully surrender.  If you can set up this agreement with your partner, you can help to create a feeling space rather than a performance space.

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To round up

By using these tools, you will be able to sensitise yourself to physical sensations and experience pleasure on a deeper level. These tools will also help you build body awareness, and allow you to feel more comfortable in your own skin. If you’re worrying about how you are perceived by your partner, you can’t truly relax and feel.

Once you manage to embrace a state of ‘being’ in bed, it is only a small leap to inject spirituality into your sex life. I ask Chloe if this is possible, even if you are a spiritual sceptic. She says: “As long as you have a belief in something greater than your perceived tangible physical reality (e.g. string theory). There needs to be a kind of openness, and a willingness to connect to this greatness during sex. Set an intention and perhaps communicate this with your partner beforehand. Sharing an intention can release something inside of you and allow you to be more free, less inhibited. You can fall back and feel a sense of surrender, knowing that you are being held by a bigger universal world”.

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Sex Club is a conversational space to share knowledge & experience for a more fun and conscious sex life. If you’d like to find out more about them, check out their website or social media pages!
 www.sexclubme.com www.facebook.com/sexclubs @sexclubevents