We sit down with Juliane Mueller (Jules) and Chloe Wisdom from Sex Club, to shed some light on the convoluted world of polyamory and whether it is the right relationship style for anyone considering it. Sex Club hosts multiple workshops and sharing circles that give you a platform to discuss love, open relationships, jealousy, compersion, relationship anarchy, and all the other juicy experiences in sexuality!
Before we delve into the hot topic of polyamory, let’s start by defining what it is. In reality, there is no template definition. “The boundaries and the extent to which you may engage in multiple partnerships depends on what you agree with your partner”, says Jules. For example, what is the ‘amory’ part? Having a conversation with your partner about the definition of love is really important. Are we talking about non-dualistic love, romantic love, lustful love? You also need to recognise that your agreed relationship parameters may change as your feelings evolve and the relationship progresses.
Is Polyamory for you?
Being polyamorous requires you to have a huge level of self-awareness around your needs and boundaries. Not only that, but, Chloe adds, “it takes willingness to have continuous communication with your partner(s), and courage to step outside your comfort zone and be vulnerable”. There will be a lot of difficult conversations to face, as you confront a lot of deep conditioning around jealousy and facing insecurities. For example, we think it’s supposed to hurt if your partner has sex with someone else, or that jealousy is a sign that you love someone. Polyamory certainly challenges these notions, and encourages us to be reflective on why we feel jealousy, and to accept these feelings. When we accept, those negative feelings may slowly and naturally release but it is helpful not to have this expectation. Be kind to yourself. It helps if we can have transparent communication, and go at the pace that feels right for the individual.
If you choose to become polyamorous, you should ideally have a personal development journey mapped out. Think about what feels authentic to you. Where do you want to push yourself? Remember: you have a comfort zone, a stretch zone and a panic zone. You don’t grow in the comfort zone, but the panic zone is counter-productive to growth. You want to find what stretches you but doesn’t make you panic.
Overall, “polyamory can be a very therapeutic self-actualisation process”. It can come with intense highs and lows, but the growth that comes with it can be well worth it. There is a common belief in the psychology field, that we go around re-creating the attachments that we had with people when we were young. Polyamory allows us to experience these attachments consciously, and with multiple people. Having awareness of your attachment style will help you to grow and understand how to meet your needs. “If it's conscious, then it's therapy and relationships rolled into one” says Chloe.
So how do we know whether polyamory is right for us? The answer is: you never know until you try it. The majority of people who are in a monogamous relationship will still feel attraction to other people. It’s helpful to question whether they choose not to follow this attraction out of fear or conscious choice. One common critique of polyamorous relationships is that you cannot achieve the same level of depth, or that it may make partners less tolerant of each other or more fickle in the relationship. To this point, Jules and Chloe both say that unfortunately there are a lot of commitment phobes calling themselves polyamorous, but this is not a healthy example of polyamory. It helps to be careful and discerning with these types, but with the right partner you can certainly reach the same level of depth, if not more.
Another concern is the imbalance in feelings that a polyamorous partnership can create. How do you deal with this mismatched dynamic? In this case, Jules and Chloe say that it helps to return to your original question of what you are trying to do in the relationship. Are you trying to have a lustful relationship? Are you trying to have a deep journey for attachment work? Using that, you can assess whether it makes sense to stay together.
Polyamory requires a high level of self awareness, which you must be willing to work at. Self-reflection and willingness to engage in conscious, transparent and difficult conversations will help you respect your needs and desires, and to grow as a person and a lover.
Unforbidden will soon be launching a workshop in open relationships that deep dives into these challenges in an interactive and experiential format. Sign up to our mailing list to be the first to hear about it!
Finally - thanks to Sex Club! If you’re seeking a conversational space to share knowledge & experience for a more fun and conscious sex life, check out their website or social media pages!
www.sexclubme.com www.facebook.com/sexclubs @sexclubevents